Sunday, November 25, 2007

The Legion of Super-Human Detritus

At this point, I should explain that I have been negligent in bringing you the continuing reviews of the Legion of Super-Human Detritus. Paul and John have, for a while, been presenting the Legion rejects starting in the early Adventure issues - where, coincidentally, many of the "Justice Leaguers" in the current Action Comics run are appearing. Once presented, Paul and John approve or disapprove of them. Their current entry, as seen here, contains a yearbook picture version of what they looked like when they appeared ages ago.

My thoughts on these characters have been logged on the Internets for all to read. I love them all, even as I love to mock them. I'm just super glad that the Legion of Throwaway Characters is getting their time in the sun. Sure hope that The Mess shows up before this is all through (Alternate version of this joke that I forgot to use: I sure hope that Lester Spiffany is behind all of this).

Individually, most appeared for a panel or two, as recounted below (though they haven't yet gotten to Rainbow Girl).

In 12-ish posts, John and Paul have reviewed:
  • Part 1: Lester Spiffany
    "Lester's role in the proceedings quickly emerges: he is there to assure the reader that in the future there will still be douchebags."

  • Part 2: Storm Boy
    "Did he think that he'd do well as a member and that everyone would just laugh it off when they found him out? Listen, Storm Boy, if a Legionnaire loses his or her powers at two o'clock they're out the door with a selection of erased memories by four thirty. They don't even get a party."

  • Part 3: A bunch of no-name rejects, except for the very last guy in brown who turns out to be Matter-Eater Lad on his first tryout
    "Part three in our series of tributes to the common and/or crappy superteen of the future is devoted to the poor shmoes who had their Mom (or their Mom's robot, at least) sew up a costume and drive them down to Legion HQ but weren't quite distinctive enough to merit their own tale of rejection."

  • Part 4: Eyeful Ethel, The Mess, Dynamo Boy, Golden Boy, Polecat, Animal Lad, and Tusker
    "There follows a period of time where Dynamo-Boy is a member of the Legion and is devoting all of his time to having everyone else kicked out. I have no images of this, but rest assured, it all happened due to Ridiculous Legion Thing No. 3: Bylaws. The Legion charter's full of all kinds of ridiculous rules, and every time someone runs afoul of them and gets kicked out for getting married or failing to salute the Legion flag everyone acts helpless, like it's the US Constitution, rather than a set of rules laid out by three 14-year olds on a rainy Saturday afternoon."

  • Part 5: Radiation Roy, Ronn Kar, and Spider Girl
    "Spider Girl and Radiation Roy's fighting skills may have improved, but only when they are fighting each other. Seriously, even if I were using panels from the right fight scene they'd still be getting their asses handed to them. Suddenly moral and ethical considerations don't seem so important - who loses out when you inspire only the most bumbling and ineffective to become super-villains? Not the Legion - for every screw-up they turn away they get another easy victory to impress the ladies (or gents) with."

  • Part 6: Rann Antar
    "I can see his plan now: "I'll throw the feathers up in the air, then spray them with my formula. The Legion will give me a standing ovation as heavy feathers rain down upon them. The boy Legionnaires will go out to plan a parade in my honor while the girls wrestle for the right to kiss me. It will be the best day of my life.""

  • Part 7: Magno Lad, Chameleon Kid, Phantom Lad, Esper Lass, Micro Lad, Calorie Queen (the Legion of Super-Rejects)
    "I mean even if they beat their counterparts into comas, these losers are never going to get in to the Legion. They'll serve some time and then have to go door-to-door in any neighborhood they move into in the future, warning everyone with superpowers that they have a history of making ridiculous challenges."

  • Part 8: Lamprey, Nightwind, and Crystal Kid
    "Today I'm reviewing three of the most boring-ass characters in the occasionally spotty history of the Legion of Super-Heroes."

  • Part 9: Alaktor
    "He was totally just covering for his embarrassment over the tryouts - there's no way that he meant to press the button that made his belt go 'ROAR.' Dude screwed up and then improvised some evil to cover for it."

  • Part 10: Micro Lad (again)
    "The guy's trying really hard to have delusions of grandeur but can't quite get it right. See? He installed spooky mood lighting for when he talks to prisoners but he ruins it by making piggy faces."

  • Part 11: Command Kid
    "Theme number two? People pointing out his questionable tendencies. This is basically just some heavy foreshadowing of the fact that he turns out to be a bad guy, not unlike his terrible hair, bad costume or the title "The Lad Who Wrecked The Legion"."

  • Part 12: Infectious Lass, Absorbancy Boy, Quake Kid
    "I must say, the mucus cape show real devotion to a theme. It's possibly my favourite hero accessory of all time. Screw bat-cloaks and Spidey-mobiles and those little wings on the sides of the Flash's head - a cape that looks like it's made of snot, that's where it's at."

For all your work, Paul and John, I deem "No Further Explaination" OMNICOM APPROVED.

Previously: Rejected! and Rejected Rejects, part of Dial B for Blog's "create your own Legion reject" contest

1 comment:

Johnathan said...

Hey, thanks! Super-human losers from the future need all the love that they can get, you know. This should make them feel extra warm/super fuzzy.